GET ME THERE FAST!
The most dangerous profession in Pattaya, Thailand is being transported by a motorbike taxi driver. In a way, it’s almost like a national sport. “Get me there fast!!” is what Pedicab speedsters hear from their foreign customers, and yes, from their own people too. I have sometimes seen entire families somehow manage to board a compact motorbike along with the driver, and there is never a helmet in sight. We are talking about two or even three persons, not including the driver. Unfortunately, traveling this way is the cheapest and quickest way to get around town.
However, hitting the road in this way is dangerous – more for the drivers than the passengers – as a good portion of operators themselves do not wear head protectors. Usually, not always, do they provide the patrons some form of adequate, safety gear. Could it be some type of national masculine pride? I use the word ‘masculine’ because there are very few female motorbike taxi drivers. So machismo it is – with usually no oversight from their taxi and limousine commission!
It is very hard for me to describe the trepidation I felt since my own accident. I am overcome with anxiety these days whenever I get back on a motorbike taxi. The fear and dread are profound. Still, it is what I have to do to get where I need to go. The ten baht buses don’t even travel to my neighborhood and tuk tuks can be very, very slow.
Of course, there are some operators who are simply insane. I usually patronize two middle aged men who have won my trust, however, there are times I cannot book them. That’s when the trouble begins. I had one go-getter take off like a rocket ship with us as his unwilling ‘crew.’ Whatever few traffic laws Thailand has, this driver broke them. Weaving in and out of traffic at top speeds, with me on the seat behind him, he actually drove on the sidewalk at times. Going between cars is normal here, however high velocity handling amid heavy traffic congestion is quite another story. All it takes is an off reflex, wrong move, bad decision, or another oncoming lead foot, to bring on the end – that is, maimed – or worse – dead. And my captain-in-charge completed a twenty five minute journey in five minutes flat!
Most of my Thai acquaintances believe that when Buddha calls, their time is up, and there is nothing they can do about it. Unfortunately, this underlying belief extends to their driving on Thailand’s roads. In other words, why should they drive safely? It makes no difference.
Late at night, when I can’t sleep, I sometimes vividly recall the steel-on-flesh moment from my accident, when we collided with another scooter and I flew onto the concrete. The panic would then roll in, as I relive the traumatic incident over and over again, like a horrible rerun that never stops.
One of the worst aspects of my unfortunate mishap – and I swear this is true – maybe five minutes before my crash, I could feel disaster approaching. I knew it would happen. Perhaps thousands if not millions of people have these trepidations as I have, just before a horrendous calamity. The ESP kicks in. Not too sure if I want this super power though! Some genius auteur should chronicle these speed demons as a documentary.
In April, Thailand’s hottest month of the year, temperatures reach a high of 95 degrees Fahrenheit, to a low of 86 degrees Fahrenheit. “Baking hot” is how most people would describe the weather here in ‘The Land of Smiles.’ The Songkran – aka Water Celebration – is Thailand’s national holiday celebrating the Thai New Year. It is designated, as the UNESCO listed ‘Intangible Cultural Heritage Holiday.’ During this celebration, Thailand is flooded with visitors from around the world.
Years ago and in some non-commercial provinces, Songkran was a mellow experience – a family Buddhist tradition of Spring cleansing - with just a little water thrown around people in the communities for purification. But in Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Phuket and Pattaya, this celebration drew its own cult following even before UNESCO put them on the map. Turns out this Thai holiday has transformed these cities into a gigantic battleground for water fights.
All those sweet polite people who the ex-pats and tourists depend on completely, let themselves go. Out come the high powered water cannons, buckets, fire hoses and even specially designed squirt shooters that propel like those Tommy Guns of yesteryear! And the farangs who pour into Thailand for this special occasion are even worse, savoring the water gun battles ahead.
“What’s the big deal?” you ask. “Just put on your bathing suit – so what if you get soaked. If April is the hottest month out of the year, the resident citizens are doing you a favor – keeping you cool amid hot, humid weather conditions,” you’re thinking.
What the unknowing public forgets though, is that all of these water guns and buckets have been filled with unfiltered water sources. So, it stands to reason, being doused with icy, polluted water will result in epidemics of colds and flu. Also, COVID -19 is still alive and well in Thailand. Although that in itself is not what truly worries me – it is the highways and their roads that I am concerned with.
The dark side of Songkran Festival has a nickname – the ‘Seven Days of Danger.’ Every hour during the celebration, it is estimated that two to three people die and a staggering 130 are injured. This is where the motorbike taxi drivers show their moxie – as they speed their clients around town while being shot with ice cold water from the fire hoses aboard family Thai trucks – with complete disregard for the treacherous road conditions or water health threats.
As drivers and their passengers are soaked with freezing, tainted waters, these good fellows become daredevils, and we, the general public, feel like we have just lived through the next Mad Max movie.
In Thailand, a total of 1,917 road accidents were recorded during 2024, resulting in 1,869 injuries and 278 lives lost. Hello Death Race 3000 – don’t just get me there fast –get me there alive!
Edited by Don Fuchs
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